I've recently been Crossing Fingers for this England's World Cup, however I used to be in the Army, I even helped Ben Stiller shoot bad guys in the Tropics. After visiting the Swap Shop I confessed everything to the Skinny Cow, I had a face transplant and somehow ended up looking like Madonna which didn't work so well for me becoming an International spy. Once I cleared my name with Scotwork, I trained up to play tennis for Nike, and became a dancer with the sexy ladies of Joop! I looked quite the part, with some good make-up tips from Loreal, despite having hairy cheeks like Matt Stafford. I've probably eaten a thousand Creme Eggs whilst at the Cadbury Fate, although I did manage to convince Revels to evict its coffee chocolates, and helped Walkers create some bizarre flavoured crisps, I’ve even fed my facebook buddies to a pair of Nicorette lips. I got all Independent by visiting literary festivals and tasting summer food, but I lost my mobile to Figaro, so I got my bum seated with the National Express, and jetted off on holiday with Ebookers. I got a new perspective from The Economist, and now know how to really enjoy the Perfect Break, aswell as being a pretty darn good Chocolate Harmonica player, and I’ve been playing with Elastoplast hippos and dragons ever since.
Everything else is another story.